


Desiderium Cordis

by deangirlcnk80q3



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Pain, Post-Episode: s11e18 Hell's Angel, Sam Ships It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 17:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6762658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deangirlcnk80q3/pseuds/deangirlcnk80q3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys may have found a way to bring Cas back.  Can Dean let go of his insecurity and admit his feelings for Cas before it's too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desiderium Cordis

**Author's Note:**

> This is what came to me after hours and hours of "I want Cas back!! I want DEAN to get Cas back!! When do we get Cas back?!!"

At first there was just a vague sense of unease….a slight feeling that something had changed, but he didn’t know what.

Then it got worse.

Something was invading his consciousness, trying to chase him from the quiet place in his mind that he had retreated to when Lucifer possessed him. The place where he didn’t have to be concerned with what was happening in the real world. He was beyond that now. He had made is contribution to the fight and now he should be able to rest….and wait.

But the feeling intensified.

He felt as if the walls were closing in on him. He looked around, trying to figure out what was going on. Something was threatening to overtake his senses. At first it was just a humming that tickled the edge of his hearing.

But then it got louder.

He tried to ignore it but found he couldn’t. He stood up and started pacing back and forth. The noise had changed. It was increasing in volume and had begun to hurt his ears. Instead of a low hum, it had transformed into a sound not unlike an angelic voice. But one that was in pain. As the noise rose in pitch, he covered his ears and increased his frantic pacing. The anguish he could sense was almost overwhelming.

He had to get out.

As the noise kept getting louder, he stumbled out of the kitchen. He had no idea where he was going. After what seemed like an eternity, he found himself in the bunker’s dungeon. Even here, he couldn’t escape the horrible keening sound he could feel through his entire being.

He was trapped.

He clamped his hands over his ears again and retreated into a corner of the dungeon. He slid down the wall to his knees and started rocking back and forth. Had he been confined in this own mind for so long that he was going insane? Or had Lucifer decided that the time had come to start torturing him?

No, this was something else.

Even through the pain, there was a small part of him that could still sense Lucifer, but it wasn’t the same as before. He always knew when Lucifer was trying to taunt him, but this was different. This felt as if Lucifer himself wasn’t in control anymore. It was then that he realised what he was hearing.

Lucifer was screaming.

What could be happening to cause such agony, that even the devil himself couldn’t handle it? As quickly as these thoughts flickered through the last shred of sanity he felt he possessed, they were ripped away as the intensity of the torture became unbearable. With his last ounce of strength, he called out to the one person he wished could save him from this torment. The one person he wished to see once more before the madness took him over completely…..

“DEAN!” Castiel screamed.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam had been trying to wake his brother up for about five minutes with no success.

Dean had started sitting in the kitchen for hours on end after Crowley told him that was where Cas was hiding in his own mind. Dean had told Sam that he knew it wouldn’t change anything but it made him feel closer to the angel just by being there.  Most of the time, Dean just stayed there researching, but this time he had just been sitting there staring into space.  Sam had wandered past the kitchen a few times just to check on him and but he hadn’t seemed to have moved at all.

But this time, Dean looked as if he was sleeping, with his head resting on his crossed arms. Sam was just about to wake Dean up and tell him to go to his room, when Dean jolted in his sleep and his elbow knocked over the glass of whiskey that was sitting next to him.  The glass breaking startled Sam, but Dean didn’t wake up. Sam put a hand on his brother’s shoulder and shook it gently, but Dean didn’t stir.

“Dean?” Sam said, shaking his brother’s shoulder more firmly. “Hey, come on man, wake up!”

Sam could see that Dean was dreaming as his eyes were moving rapidly under his eyelids. But no matter what Sam did, he couldn’t get Dean to wake up.  Although Dean didn’t seem to be in any distress, beads of sweat had started to form on his forehead and he had begun to mumble in his sleep.  Sam pulled Dean upright and moved the chair away from the table. He knelt in front of Dean and took his brother’s face in his hands.

“Dean?” Sam said, fear tinging his voice as he noticed the tears that had escaped from Dean’s closed eyes.

 _What the hell is going on?_ Sam thought to himself.

Not knowing what else to do, Sam took one hand off Dean’s face and prepared to slap him, hoping it would snap him out of whatever this was. But as he raised his hand, Dean jolted awake and spoke one word….

“Cas”

Sam was so surprised by Dean’s sudden movement that he almost lost his balance. But he righted himself and studied his brother’s face carefully.  Dean seemed disoriented.  He was breathing heavily and unshed tears were shining in his eyes.  He was looking at Sam but his eyes were unfocussed.

“Dean?” Sam said, as he shook him gently. Dean didn’t respond.  He just kept staring blankly at Sam.

“Hey, big brother,” Sam said, taking Dean’s face in his hands again. “Come back to me”

At Sam’s touch, Dean flinched and started blinking rapidly.

“Sammy?” Dean asked, as his breathing slowed and his eyes began to focus.

“Yeah, Dean. It’s me.” Sam replied with relief and pulled Dean into a hug.

As Dean rested his head on Sam’s shoulder, Sam said to him, “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

“Okay.” Dean mumbled, not knowing what Sam was talking about, but feeling the best thing to do was agree.

Sam held his brother for a while longer hoping it would calm him down, as he could feel Dean’s heart beating rapidly against his chest.  Sam let Dean go after a few more moments and got up to sit in the chair next to him.

“Do you remember anything?” Sam asked. “I think you were dreaming.”

“I....I’m not sure,” Dean answered. “All I can remember is pain.  Someone was in pain.”

Sam looked worriedly at Dean. He had expected Dean to say something about Cas but when he mentioned pain, Sam hoped it wasn’t Cas who was in pain.  Sam watched as Dean rubbed his eyes and looked at the floor. He wasn’t sure if he should tell Dean that he’d called out Cas’ name or whether he should wait.  As he was trying to make up his mind, the decision was taken out of his hands.

“Just tell me, Sam. I can feel you looking at me with those puppy dog eyes.” Dean said, with a hint of his usual sarcasm.  “It can’t be that bad, can it?”

As Dean looked up at Sam he immediately regretted what he’d said. Sam looked so anxious that Dean knew that something had definitely scared him.

“I’m sorry, Sammy,” Dean said, running a hand through his hair. “It’ll be okay.  Please just tell me what happened.”

“Well, at first I just thought you were sleeping, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t wake you up. You started talking in your sleep and you were sweating.”

Sam paused, unsure how Dean would react to what he told him next.

“Then I noticed that you were….crying.”

Sam fell silent as Dean processed that last bit of information. He could see that Dean was trying hard to remember what he had dreamt.

“There’s one last thing, Dean.” Sam continued, not wanting to draw this out any longer.

Dean looked expectantly at Sam, “Yeah, okay. Hit me with it,” he said.

“When you woke up, you called out a name….you called out for Cas.”

Dean was silent for a moment and then a look of pure terror came across his face as he shot up out of his chair and sent it flying backwards.

“Cas…..”

Before he could react, Sam watched as Dean collapsed to his knees and buried his face in his hands. In an instant, Sam was beside him on the floor, gripping his shoulders.

“Dean!” he cried. “What is it?  What’s wrong?”

“I remember....everything.” Dean whispered.

Sam gently pulled Dean’s hands away from his face. When he saw the tears streaming down his brother’s face and the look of despair in his eyes, it nearly broke Sam’s heart.

“Tell me, Dean. Please.”

“It’s Cas.” Dean said bleakly. “He called out to me.  He’s terrified and he’s in so much pain….”

“How can you be sure it’s real, Dean?” Sam asked. “Maybe it was just a nightmare?”

“I don’t believe that and neither do you. You said you couldn’t wake me up.  When has that ever happened before?”

“Okay, but still….”

“No this is different,” Dean interrupted. “We don’t know what happened to Cas after he disappeared with Amara.  Who knows what she’s doing to him.”

Dean rose unsteadily to his feet and leaned against the table. Sam stood as well and righted the chair that Dean had knocked over.

“Sit down for a minute, Dean. You look like you’re about to collapse.”

“No, I’m okay, Sam”

“No, you’re _not._ If this is real, then we need to figure out what to do next.  Why don’t you just go and lie down for a while and I will see if I can figure out what is going on.”

Dean sighed, knowing he couldn’t win against Sam when he was like this.

“Alright, Sam. But I’ll be back soon.”

“Just go, Dean. I can handle research by myself you know.”

“Yes I know.” Dean replied. “I should know better than to fight with you about that.”

Sam smiled at Dean. “Okay then.  To bed.” he ordered, pointing towards the door.  “Don’t make me have to tuck you in.”

Dean managed a small smile and turned to leave the kitchen. As he did, Sam called after him, “We will figure this out, Dean.  We always do.”

Dean turned back to Sam and nodded. “Yeah, Sammy.  We always do,” he sighed and left the kitchen.

Sam watched his brother go. He meant what he’d said to Dean.  They would find a way to save Cas.  Not just for Cas’ sake but for Dean’s as well.  Sam could see that this thing with Cas and Lucifer was tearing his brother apart.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam was cleaning up the broken glass that Dean had knocked over earlier, when he noticed a piece of paper had fallen off the table. With everything that had been going on, he hadn’t noticed it fall.  On it was written….

_Desiderium Cordis_

_Can I?_

Sam was stunned. Dean had totally shot Sam down when he mentioned this spell a few weeks ago.  Dean didn’t think it would work, even though it was a very powerful seeking spell.  He felt the focus behind the spell wasn’t right, so it wasn’t worth trying.  Sam had tried to convince Dean that if you didn’t take the meaning of the spell literally, it _could_ work.  But Dean had not been persuaded and Sam reluctantly gave up.

So when had Dean written this?

The actual translation of the words was not lost on Sam. So if Dean was questioning his resolve to attempt the spell, maybe Sam could help him realise that this may be their best chance to save Cas.

As Sam approached Dean’s room, the door opened and Dean came out holding a towel and a fresh set of clothes.

“Hey, Sam,” Dean said. “Couldn’t sleep so I’m gonna take a shower. You weren’t on your way here to carry out your threat of tucking me in were you?”

“No, Dean.” Sam laughed, glad to hear that Dean sounded more like his old self. “I was gonna talk to you about something, but it can wait.”

“Okay, won’t be long. I’ll meet you in the kitchen in ten.”

“How about we talk in the library?" Sam countered. "I think you’ve been spending too much time in the kitchen lately.”

Dean looked as if he was going to argue with Sam, but instead just nodded and brushed past Sam on his way to the bathroom.  Sam watched him go and sighed. No matter what, Dean still didn’t like being told what to do.

 _This isn’t going to be easy_ , Sam thought, but he was determined to convince Dean that this spell was worth a try.  Sam made his way back to the library, sat down and waited for Dean to come back.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean walked into the bathroom and threw his clothes and towel on the ground in anger. He knew Sam meant well, but he was sick of being told what to do.  If he wanted to sit in the kitchen, he’d damn well do it.  He noticed the looks Sam had been giving him and knew he was always on the verge of saying something.  But he’d kept his mouth shut so far and for that, Dean was grateful.  He’d already told Sam that he knew what he was doing wasn’t going to change anything, but he just felt better in the kitchen.

As Dean thought about the angel all his anger faded. He knew Sam was just worried about him and he could understand that.  He was worried about himself too.  And now, after today, he was terrified about what was happening to Cas.  The angel was in trouble.  He had called out to Dean in absolute desperation and Dean had no doubt what he’d felt and heard was real. 

He just didn’t know where to start. What else could they do that they hadn’t already done?  They had summoned Lucifer and tried to get Cas to expel him, but all that did was show them that Lucifer had too strong a hold on Cas.  He had only managed to break through for a moment before Lucifer took control again.  But Cas _had_ been there, if only for an instant. 

Maybe that meant that Lucifer had lost control again, if Cas had been able to call out for Dean now? But what worried Dean was the reason behind Cas’ ability to get past Lucifer.  The pain he’d felt when he was dreaming was agonizing.  What was happening to Cas?  What else could he do to save him….?

Dean realised that he had come full circle.

 _What else could he do?_ The question repeated itself over and over in Dean’s head.  Well what he could do right now was have his shower and then go and talk to Sam. Sam had seemed pretty serious, even though they’d been joking around.  Maybe he’d thought of something?

Dean undressed and turned the water on. He stepped under the spray and let the water cascade over his body.  He lowered his head and tried to clear his mind, while the water soothed his tired muscles.  Dean picked up the soap and began to work it into a lather.  He ran his hands over this chest and up to his shoulders and then down one arm and then the other.  As Dean began to rinse off the soap, his hand unconsciously came to rest where Cas’ handprint used to be. Before he realised what was happening, two words whispered through his mind….

_Desiderium cordis._

“No!” Dean exclaimed, taking his hand away from his bicep and turning the water off abruptly. Dean stumbled out of the shower and picked up his towel from the floor.  He wrapped it around his waist and gripped the edge of the sink, breathing heavily.  After a moment, Dean wiped his hand across the fogged up mirror and stared at his reflection. 

“It won’t work,” Dean said to the image looking back at him. The hand that had wiped off the mirror found its way back to his bicep.  But instead of snatching it away this time, Dean let it rest there. 

“I wish it would work, Cas.” Dean said aloud, as if the angel was standing next to him. “But if I wasn’t able to show you how much I….we needed you before you did this, how can I be expected to now?  What can I say _now_ that will make a difference?”

Dean let his hand drop slowly back to his side and turned away from the mirror. He dried himself off, picked up his clothes from where he’d tossed them on the floor and got dressed.  Sam was waiting for him.  Maybe he had an idea of what they could do next….

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam was waiting impatiently for Dean to appear. He had just decided to go and find out what was going on when Dean walked into the library.  Sam started to ask Dean what the hell had taken him so long, but the angry question died on his lips when he saw the look on Dean’s face.

“What’s wrong, Dean?” Sam asked, concerned. “Did something else happen?”

“No, Sam. Nothing happened.  I’m alright.”

“You don’t look alright. What’s going on?”

Dean sighed and sat down across from Sam. “Nothing’s going on.  I’m just tired, that’s all.  What did you want to talk to me about?” Dean asked, changing the subject.

Sam hesitated, thinking that maybe he should wait until tomorrow to talk to Dean about what he had found. He had never seen his brother look so defeated.  Not even when he was under the influence of the Mark of Cain.

“Come on, Sam. What is it?  I know you want to tell me, so just do it.”

“Okay, but you’re not going to like it.” Sam said, wanting to at least give Dean some warning.

“I already guessed that. Just get on with it.”

“Well, when I was in the kitchen after you left, I found this.” Sam passed the note he found across the table to Dean.

Dean started at the piece of paper, unable to hide his shock at seeing the words that he had thought of not five minutes ago. “It’s, um, nothing,” he said, unable to look Sam in the eye.

“It’s not _nothing_ , Dean!” Sam said, getting frustrated.  “You are obviously having second thoughts about the spell.”

“No, I’m not.” Dean said unconvincingly.

“Dean, talk to me, dammit!” Sam slammed his fist down on the table. “How can I help you if you won’t talk to me?”

Dean jumped at the sound of Sam’s fist hitting the table. He had been staring at the note, the words repeating themselves like a mantra in his head.

“Come on, Dean. Please….”

“Okay, Sam, okay” Dean said. “When I was in the sho….um, I mean the bathroom, I actually thought about the spell.  So I was just surprised when you handed me the note, that’s all.  It’s a creepy coincidence, don’t you think.” Dean joked lamely.

“That’s not funny, Dean. This whole situation is not funny.  You wrote this note recently.” 

“I can’t remember when I wrote it, Sam.” Dean said. Sam look unbelievingly at his brother.  “I mean it.  I honestly don’t.”

“Well, whether you can remember when you wrote it or not, you have been thinking about trying the spell, haven’t you?”

Sam was wearing down Dean’s resistance. After everything that happened recently he was losing faith that anything could bring Cas back to them.  But before, when he had passed his hand over where Cas’ handprint had been, he had felt a connection to Cas that he hadn’t felt since before the angel had said yes to Lucifer….

“I want to believe it will work, Sammy, I do. But I don’t think it’s the right spell.” Dean took a deep breath and said softly. “I don’t think I can make it work”

“Well, I don’t accept that, Dean. Not anymore.” Sam said, taking the spell book out of his jacket pocket. “I didn’t want to pressure you before so I let it go, but I refuse to this time.”

Dean looked at the spell book and then back at Sam, “What do you mean _pressure me_?” he asked. 

“I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but you need to. You have been suffering for so long and you refuse to admit why, so I think it’s time for the truth to come out.”

“What truth?” Dean asked, fearing what Sam was going to say.

“The truth about your feelings for Cas.”

Dean flinched and closed his eyes. _So Sam knows_ , he thought to himself.  He’d tried to hide it, but should have known he couldn’t hide it from his little brother.  After a moment, Dean opened his eyes and looked at Sam.  His eyes shone with unshed tears and he looked devastated.

“Oh, Dean. I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to….”

“It’s okay, Sammy.” Dean interrupted. “You don’t have to apologise. I’m not, I mean, I wasn’t ready to admit to anyone what I was feeling.  I can’t even admit it to myself.” Dean smiled sadly. “Maybe if I’d have told Cas sooner, none of this would have happened.”

“Don’t think like that, Dean,” Sam said. “It’s not your fault. Not everything is your fault.”

“Then why do I feel like it is?” Dean asked, as a tear fell down his cheek. “That’s why I don’t think the spell will work. How can I find my, um…..Cas now, if I couldn’t even show him how important he was to me before?”

“The past doesn’t matter, Dean.” Sam said. “You’re letting your guilt get in the way of doing what you need to do _now._ ” Sam opened the spell book at the right page and pushed it towards Dean.  “Cas is in trouble.  You convinced me of that.  He needs you.  He called out for _you._ You’re the only one who can get him back now.”

Dean glanced at the book and then up at Sam. He still seemed unsure, so Sam continued, driving his point home.

“If Cas can call out to you that means Lucifer’s control has weakened. This may be the only shot we have left.” Sam said desperately.  “I didn’t want to say anything before, but you were right.  We don’t know what Amara is doing to Lucifer, to Cas, so we need to do this. _Now_.”

Dean picked up the book and looked over the spell. Sam was right.  Cas needed him and if Lucifer’s control was fading, now was the time to do whatever they could to save him.  If Cas had gotten through to Dean, then Dean could get through to Cas.

“Okay, Sammy.” Dean said. “Let’s try it.”

“Are you sure, Dean?” Sam asked.

“Yes I’m sure. Cas is suffering and I need to do whatever I can to help him.  I need him to come home.”

Sam smiled with relief. “Alright them, let’s bring him home!” Sam went over to one of the shelves and pulled out all of the ingredients for the spell. 

Dean looked at Sam in surprise. “You’ve got everything ready?” he asked.

Sam shrugged and replied. “Well, I thought I should be prepared, just in case.

“Very sneaky, little brother.” Dean said. “You must be very confident about your powers of persuasion.”

“Well, they worked, didn’t they?”

“Yeah, they did.” Dean admitted. “You start mixing the ingredients and I’ll look over the incantation.”

When Sam was finished with the ingredients, he asked Dean, “Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Dean replied, picking up the knife he needed to add the final ingredient.

Dean began to recite the spell. Sam watched him closely, a little nervous about what was going to happen.  As Dean got to the final line of the spell he sliced his palm and let his blood drip into the bowl.

“ _Voluntas quidem cordis mei_!”

Dean wasn’t sure what he expected, but he wasn’t prepared for what did happen….

Nothing.

“Dammit, Sam. I must have done something wrong” Dean turned in his head to look at Sam, but he had disappeared.

“Sam!” Dean called out. “Where are you? Sam?!”

Dean turned back to the table and the bowl, ingredients, knife and spell book had disappeared as well.

 _What the hell_? Dean thought, as he looked around the library. Everything seemed the same and nothing looked out of place.  As Dean looked at his hand and saw that it had completely healed, he realised what had happened.

Dean was in Cas’ mind.

The spell must have taken his consciousness, not his body, to where he wanted to go, as Cas’ body was being inhabited by another being.  So if it was Cas consciousness he had to find, the first place he would look was the kitchen.  As Dean made his way to the kitchen, he became aware of a low humming noise. He didn’t know what was causing it, but he wasn’t going to worry about that now.  He needed to find Cas.  When he got to the kitchen and looked inside, Cas was not there.

 _Dammit, Cas! Where are you_? Dean should have known it wouldn't be that easy to find him.  The distress he’d felt from Cas was still fresh in his mind.  Where would he go to escape something like that?  Dean continued to search the bunker.  He checked his room, Sam’s room and even the bathroom, but could find no sign of the angel.

The noise he had first heard on his way to the kitchen was louder. It was starting to hurt his ears.  Dean needed to find Cas, soon.  Dean decided to check the dungeon next. As he made his way down the hallway, he thought he heard his name.

“Cas!?” Dean began to run. He rushed through the door to the storage area outside the dungeon and slid to a stop in front of the shelves that hid the room beyond.  As Dean started to move them apart, he heard Cas scream his name.

“I’m coming, Cas!” he shouted, as he finally got the shelves apart. Dean was momentarily stunned by what he saw before him.  Cas was cowering in the corner of the room, with his hands covering his ears.  He was rocking back and forth with tears streaming down his face as he chanted Dean’s name over and over.  Dean ran over to Cas and knelt down in front of him.

“Cas, it’s me.” Dean said, absolutely terrified by what he was seeing. He tried to pull Cas’ hands away from his ears, but Cas started to fight against him like a caged animal.

“Hey, Cas, calm down. It’s me.  It’s Dean!”  Dean stopped trying to move Cas’ hands away from his ears.  Cas stopped fighting him and resumed rocking back and forth.  Dean didn’t know what to do.  How was he supposed to make Cas hear him.  To let him know he was there.  To let him know _why_ he was there?

Dean again became aware of the noise that had been increasing in volume ever since he had arrived. He wondered if what was happening to Cas was about to happen to him?  If that was the case, he didn’t have much time.  The noise was becoming unbearable.

“Cas?” Dean said, trying to make eye contact with the angel. Cas’ eyes were not focussed on anything and were filled with pain.  Dean reached out and brushed a lock of hair from Cas’ forehead.  As he made contact with Cas’ skin, the angel stopped moving.  But as soon as Dean took his hand away, his rocking continued.

 _Interesting_ , Dean thought. He slowly brought his hand back up to Cas’ face and gently wiped away a tear that was tracing its way down his cheek.  At this contact, Cas stilled and turned his head slightly towards Dean.  As the noise outside continued to get louder, Dean decided he couldn’t wait any longer. He had to do what he’d come here to do before it was too late.

Dean gently took Cas’ face in his hands and turned his head towards him so he could look into the angel’s eyes.

“Cas,” he said softly. “I have something I need to tell you and you are going to hear me, hands over your ears or not.” Dean tried to get Cas’ piercing blue eyes to focus on him, but they wouldn’t.

“I know I should have said this before now, but I was too afraid.” Dean searched Cas’ face for any sign that he could hear him, but there was none.

“Dammit, Cas. How did it come to this?” Dean’s own eyes filled with tears as he tried to say what he’d come here to say.

“I don’t know how many times I told you I needed you.” Dean said, trying to block out the noise that was becoming louder by the second. “My mistake was assuming you knew that meant _you_ , not your angelic powers and what they could do for us.  I just needed _you_.”

Dean used his thumb to brush more tears from Cas’ cheek as his own began to fall. “I need you to come home.  I need you with me because I can’t live without you.” Dean looked into Cas’ eyes and prayed he could hear him.

“I need you, because I love you, Castiel.”

As Dean finally admitted to what he had been denying for so long, Cas’ eyes seemed to focus on him for a moment, but in a split second everything changed.

A high pitched scream echoed through the dungeon, which caused Dean to take his hands away from Cas’ face and cover his own ears.

The last thing Dean saw before his consciousness was ripped away, was Cas screaming in agony.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Dean opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the quiet, until he heard Sam call his name.

“Dean, are you okay?” Sam was looking at him with concern.

“Yeah, I think so.” Dean said, getting up from his chair.

“What happened?” Sam asked. “I expected you to disappear or Cas to appear or something, but you just....”

“I didn’t work, Sam.” Dean said sadly.

“What do you mean it didn’t work? Something happened, Dean.”

“The spell took me to Cas, but just into his consciousness. I think it’s because Lucifer is using his body as a vessel.  The spell took me to the part of Cas that was still him.”

“But it still should have allowed you talk to him, right?”

Dean shook his head. “I tried, Sam, but he’s too far gone. I could feel what he was feeling and it was consuming him.  I think that’s why I came back.  I was pushed out when it became too much for both of us.”

“So, when you tried….what did you say?” Sam asked hesitantly.

“I told him, Sammy.” Dean whispered. “I told him I loved him, but I don’t think he heard me.”  He turned away from Sam.  “I thought for a moment that maybe he did, but….” Dean couldn’t continue.  He just walked out of the library leaving Sam staring after him.

Dean slowly made his way to his room. He was exhausted and felt like he could sleep for a month.  As he approached his room, he saw a flash of light shine underneath the closed door.  Dean ran the last few steps to his room and threw open the door.  Of all the things he expected to see, the sight that greeted him was not one of them.

Cas was standing in front of him looking slightly dishevelled. His intense blue eyes found Dean’s green ones and he attempted a small smile.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said and before Dean knew what was happening, Cas stumbled forward and collapsed into Dean’s arms. Instinctively, Dean swept Cas into his arms and carried him to over his bed.  He lay the angel down gently and stared down at him in disbelief.

So he didn’t have to leave Cas alone, Dean went to the door and yelled out to Sam.

“Sam, get down here! It’s Cas!”

After a few moments, Sam came running into the room. “What do you mean it’s….?”  Sam stopped abruptly when he saw that Cas was actually there, lying on Dean’s bed, with Dean sitting next to him. 

“How is this possible, Sam?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know, Dean.” Sam said. “You must have gotten through to Cas after all and he was able to expel Lucifer.”

“But that doesn’t explain how he got here.” Dean said, without taking his eyes off Cas. Dean slowly reached out his hand towards the angel, but hesitated as if he expected him to disappear.  When he didn’t, Dean took Cas’ hand in his.

“I guess the spell was completed when Cas cast Lucifer out. The spell _was_ supposed to find what you were seeking.”

“So, you think the spell brought him here after I found him?” Dean turned away from Cas for a moment and looked at Sam.

“Yeah, Dean I do.” Sam said. “It brought him here. To you.  To the one who loves him.”

Dean smiled at Sam and then turned back to Cas.

Sam watched his brother and the angel for a moment before he quietly left the room and closed the door behind him.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Cas could rest peacefully, Dean let go of his hand and got up from the bed. He pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat as close to Cas as he could.  Dean didn’t know how long he watched Cas sleep and the irony wasn’t lost on him either.  Dean smiled as he remembered the first time he had woken up to find Cas watching him.  Well, it was about time he returned the favour.

Eventually exhaustion overcame Dean and he fell asleep. Sometime later, he was awoken by a sound coming from the bed.  Cas was tossing and turning in his sleep and mumbling incoherently.  Dean couldn’t bear to see him in distress so he got up from the chair and sat on the edge of the bed, taking Cas’ hand in both of his.  “I’m here, Cas.” Dean said. “You’re safe now.”

At Dean’s touch, Cas quieted, just like he had when Dean was in his mind. Dean took the opportunity to make Cas more comfortable.  He gently sat the angel up and took off his tie, trench coat and jacket.  He then lay Cas back down and removed his shoes.  As Dean made a move to sit back down in the chair he heard Cas softly say his name.  Dean looked back over at Cas, but he was still asleep.

“I’m not leaving, Cas,” he said, “I’m right here.”

Dean began to realise that the closer he was to Cas, the calmer he seemed to be. And to be honest, Dean wanted to be as close to the angel as possible.  So, instead of sitting back down in the chair, Dean went to the bed and sat down.  He swung his legs onto the bed and lay down next to Cas.  Dean gently pulled the angel into his arms and held him close.  As if responding to Dean’s touch, Cas turned on his side and rested his head on Dean’s chest.  Dean’s heart skipped a beat as Cas’ body brushed up against his.  He had wanted this for so long, but never thought it would be possible.  Dean felt at peace with Cas in his arms.  Even though he didn’t know what would happen when Cas woke up, he was sure they could deal with it.

Eventually Dean drifted off to sleep. Sometime later, he was awoken by movement beside him.  For a moment, he didn’t remember where he was or why he wasn’t alone, but when he saw exquisite blue eyes watching him, it all came flooding back.

“Cas, you’re awake.” Dean said, as he turned on his side and faced the angel. “And watching me sleep again.”

“Yes, Dean. I am.” Cas replied, with a small smile.

Dean suddenly felt self-conscious. He didn’t know if Cas remembered anything that had happened.  Dean still wasn’t sure if Cas had even heard what he had told him during the spell.

As if reading his thoughts, Cas said, “It’s okay, Dean. I know.”

“Ah, know what?” Dean asked, very aware of how close Cas was to him.

“Everything.” Cas replied.

“I heard you when you came to me. At first, I thought it was some sort of torture Lucifer had devised for me, but the longer you were there, the more I recognised your soul and knew it was no trick.  I knew you were real.  No one’s soul shines as brightly as yours.”

Cas reached out his hand and traced his fingers along Dean’s jaw. Dean’s breath caught at the angel’s touch. 

“Knowing how you felt gave me the strength to cast Lucifer out.” Cas said

“But what was that noise that was overwhelming you?” Dean managed to ask, as Cas began to run his fingers over his cheek.

“That was Lucifer, Dean. He was being tortured by Amara.  That was him screaming.”

Dean’s eyes widened in shock. “But that means she was torturing you too.”

“In a way.” Cas said. “Lucifer bore the brunt of it because he was in control, but in the end, Lucifer couldn’t stop his agony from filtering down to me.” Cas grimaced as he remembered. “But the more Amara tortured him, the more he thought about himself and forgot about me.  His control over me started to weaken.”

Cas paused and smiled at Dean.

“That’s when you came,” he said. “I could sense you were there. I wanted to let you know but I couldn’t focus through the pain.”  Cas took his hand from Dean’s face and lay his palm on Dean’s chest over his heart.  “And then you said that you needed me, that you loved me.  It gave me the strength to fight harder, and then when you vanished I knew I had to do everything I could to see you again.  To tell you….” Cas trailed off as a tear trickled down his cheek.

Dean reached over and gently brushed it away. “You don’t have to say anything, Cas.” he said tenderly.

“Yes, I do, Dean.” Cas said resolutely. “I should have known that you weren’t just using me as an angelic weapon, something to discard when its power was expended." He averted his gaze from Dean. "I feel so ashamed.  That’s not who you are.  You are the one who sacrifices himself again and again.  You don’t do it to others.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Cas.” Dean told him. “I should have seen what was happening to you, but I didn’t. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

Cas laughed gently, looking back into Dean's vivid green eyes, “That’s my Dean,” he said. “Always taking the blame, even when it’s not his fault.”

Dean looked at Cas curiously.

“What is it, Dean?” Cas asked. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t."  Dean assured him. " You called me, _your Dean_.  Do you really mean that?  Am I yours?”

“Yes Dean, I mean it. You are mine and I am yours, always”

Cas leaned forward and brushed his lips against Dean’s.

The kiss took Dean’s breath away. “Cas, I….” Dean started to say as Cas pulled away.  The angel silenced Dean by placing a finger to his lips.

“Shhh, Dean. It’s my turn now.” Cas said as he moved his hand to Dean’s cheek.

“I love you, Dean,” he said, as he gazed deeply into Dean’s eyes.

Cas leaned towards Dean and their lips met again. Dean felt all of the sorrow and fear that had plagued him for the past few months fade away as he returned Cas’ kiss.

When they finally broke apart Dean said, “Come here, my angel,” drawing Cas into his arms.

“My angel.” Cas repeated as he nestled in beside Dean, sliding his arm around Dean’s waist and laying his head on his chest. “I like that.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cas closed his eyes as he listened to Dean's heartbeat.  After months of despair and self-doubt he was finally home where he belonged.

With the man he had rescued from Hell.

With the man whose soul was the brightest and purest he had ever seen.

_With the man who loves me._

_My heart’s desire._

_Voluntas quidem cordis mei._

**Author's Note:**

> This is only my second fic. I hope I've done the boys justice :)


End file.
